Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Con Artists

Drawing inspiration from the eclectic OJ McManuseses wonderfully written "Pondermonium", I thought I'd draw some inspiration from his posts.

Now, when I type "inspiration" I don't mean I'm just going to write about the same inspirational subjects, ratherly, I'm inspired by the clever idea of typing a whole load of paragraphs (consisting of pertinent sentences) based on the subject matter of the title (which I'll choose after I've written my entry. No-one starts with a song title then writes the song, unless you're deliberately trying to craft an opus [or opi] such as Holst's "The Planets" or Fergie's "My Humps".)

The best aspect of the "Pondermonium" is not the subject matter, per se, but the bile filled vitriol that fuels the rant. I need something to rally against if I'm going to be a success at this (of which there is scantly any doubt - check out my photographing).

So, I'm thinking of something that's pissed me off and I got myself re-pissed off again when I thought about the Faith Healers on the Cregagh Road. That really pissed me off (I'm not sure this is vitriolic enough yet, but bear with me, I have other scathing language besides 'pissed off').

So, these Faith Healers are curing the great unwashed of their ailments using the power of faith. Bollocks they are. Absolute utter bollocksy shit filled rubbish. Total and complete shite of the highest regard. In a kingdom ruled by shit and bollocks, these Faith Healers would be the bastard child of Mrs. Queen Shit and Mr. King Testicle.

I know what you're thinking, you're thinking: "You're not making a point or an argument, you're just expressing your opinion in a cool, funky and obscene manner" and you'd be right. So, on with the reasoning.

Faith Healers of the world - riddle me this. Why the fuck does God hate amputees? Apparently, Lord God of All Creation™ can cure you of back pain or a bunion but can't regrow a leg? Some lizards (one of His creations) can regenerate lost limbs. Why didn’t He design humans with the same function? Ok, let’s say He forgot, He was too busy with His flagellum, then just allow the Faith Healers to do the curing after the fact. Piss easy. (God, I know you probably can read this, so take note.)

If you've got a repetitive strain injury from one-handed internet surfing (that was a euphemism for masturbation), He can cure that RSI right out of you. But, HIV? Nope. Cancer? Nope. The Almighty, in his infinite wisdom, having his radiant love light channelled through 3 Muppets facing the Co-Op on a Saturday morning, can only deal with the mundane (and anything that can be treated with placebo).

If you Faith Healers, or as I call you, Conning Bastards, can really help the sick and lame, get your fat bible loving arses down to the fucking lab and win a Noble Prize - you've discovered a new branch of biology and physics. Violating all known natural law is miraculous and you need to tell the world about it! Hurry, this is very important - probably the greatest discovery in all of human existence! Curing the sick and proving that He actually exists!

If, on the other hand, you're an exploitative bunch of delusional fucko's, hellbent on corrupting the vulnerable and preying on the weak, I have nothing but utter contempt for you.

Anyways, I say live and let live. If you want to believe this shit is real, then knock yourself out. Just keep it off my fucking streets; don’t try and cure me when I’m heading to Tesco’s for a loaf.


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